(4 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) this world is big and wild and half insane [03 Jan 2008|03:24am] [ mood | torporific ] If you still want to talk to me, send me an e-mail or something..

(2 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) 'it's a cold day for September,' was all I thought to say [28 Sep 2007|01:09am] Happy birthday, jackass. ... God, I miss you.

(1 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [15 Aug 2007|02:19am] [ music | Buying Time ~Great Big Sea ] I have lost virtually every justification for continuing my meaningless existence. Wish I wasn't complete freaking insane.

(6 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [10 Aug 2007|07:23pm] So, apparently everyone wants to know what's going on in my life (and by everyone I mean two people), because, as is the contrary nature of people, I could go for six months without saying anything to anyone simply in the natural course of things, but if I say I don't want to talk to anyone, people will come out of the woodwork to clamor for my attention. So, yeah. I don't know what you're all expecting. I'm doing the exact same damn thing I always do, I just fucking hate the internet. And people. And life. And I just don't feel like talking to people who are going to ask me a lot of damn questions I don't feel like answering. So, I guess I haven't really talked to anyone for a good three months. Let's see. My dad and his wife had to move in because we were so broke my grandmother couldn't afford to pay the bills by herself anymore, but living in this tiny ass house with five people sucked so bad, my grandma went to live with my rich aunt in New Hampshire. Dad and Tara are driving me completely fucking nuts because they argue all the goddamn time, my brother is driving everyone fucking nuts because he won't bathe (and I quote "It's too annoying"), so they yell at him about that all the time, and he seems to need to go to a therapist or some kind of doctor about once a week for reasons unknown (and by reasons unknown, I mean reasons that don't exist and just to be a pain in the fucking ass), and I'm a neurotic with about 17 anxiety disorders who could quite happily go hide in my room and never come out for the rest of my life, and if I don't get a job like -tomorrow- my dad is going to enlist me in the Navy. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's already called a recruiter. So, of course, I've spent the past week playing Banjo-Kazooie. What else. Oh yeah, I turned 21 last month. Whoop-de-freaking-doo. I got a lot of stupid messages from my friends telling me to go get drunk. Yeah, that's totally what I want to do. Everyone I'm related to is a drunk, and I live with two recovering alcoholics who have both relapsed within like the past month. Shut the fuck up. I hate drinking. I hate drunks. I also hate Alcoholics Anonymous. If I ever do wind up a drunk, I will never go there. Godddddddd. ... I wish my stupid father hadn't gotten married. They have one of those relationships where everything he does is to keep her happy. I haaate that. They move in here and we have to throw out all our crap, so she can have all her stuff. "Your dishes are crap, we're using my dishes." "Your crap on the wall is stupid, we're putting all my crap on the wall." So now there are pictures on every inch of the stupid walls so they could fit them all, and its lame as hell. I mean, I'm not really a fan of my grandmothers decor, but a tacky framed map of Bermuda doesn't really go with it. I think she'd have a heart attack if she came back here. That's another thing that pisses me off. This is still her house. Not Tara's. Gawd. I may be a worthless drain on society, but at least I feel bad that we ended up driving her out of her own home. Everyone else was celebrating. Jackasses. Of course, she does get to go live with my aunt and uncle who probably have money coming out the wazoo (I mean, if they can afford $900 a month psych meds for my loopy cousin...). And she took her car with her, so I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to drive. "Go drive around looking for work, Zanara! In your magical imaginary car!" I'm fairly sure my aunt and uncle are the kind of people who buy new cars every year anyway. And I thought I could do menial labor, seeing as how its the only thing I'm suited for, but now there's something wrong with my knee. And my hip. And probably my foot. Which is just awesome. Because the mental issues weren't enough. I haven't been going on deviantart because I have absolutely nothing to post. I mean, sure, I could post a stream of crappy sketches from now until doomsday (and probably have enough to actually do so), but what's the point. I haven't written anything for like six months. I seem to have lost both my ability, and will to write. It's not like writer's block. It's more like... I've lost my thymos. This is what apathy does to me. Well, now that I'm done bitching about pretty much everything that's annoying around here, I'm probably going to go away again. You probably shouldn't bother commenting on this, because I probably don't care what you think. And anyway, theres nothing you can say that is worth wasting your breath on. Especially you. Now that you know I'm not dead, what do you care anyway? Oh, and Shadow, if you're reading this, stop stalking me. It's creepy.

(6 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [19 Jul 2007|05:29pm] I don't want to talk to anybody. Sorry.

(2 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [21 Jun 2007|11:58pm] [ music | Ue o muite aruko ~Kyu Sakamoto ] Why is it misfortune always comes in clusters? And always right when you think everything is going to be okay. I was going to say 'in groups of threes' but I really doubt that's all. Things can always get worse.

(2 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) tame [18 Jun 2007|03:21am] [ music | Yesterday ~the Beatles ] You wanna know what I’ve always wanted out of life? The sort of thing I always think of when assorted shrinks and therapists ask that dreaded “What are your goals and aspirations?” question and I stare at them dumbly because I have nothing worth telling them.. I’ve always wanted to find someone I wouldn’t mind marrying, living in a crappy little apartment with, and coming home to at night from working a crappy dead-end job. And maybe have enough money left over to go to the movies on the weekends, or just to rent one, so long as I had someone to lean against while watching it. And… and someone who would kick my butt at video games, and I’d just laugh and not mind at all, because that would be the person I liked best in all the world. I guess it’s a pretty pitiful long-term goal. But you asked me what I wanted, ultimately. That’s all. I’m not even the person you like best. I may be running away, but the fact remains that you wouldn’t come after me, would you? You can call me a coward if you want. I don’t care anymore. It’s not like you can insult me anymore than you already have. You’re not going to read this anyway.

(1 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [18 Jun 2007|02:15am] [ music | Jumper ~Third Eye Blind ] When you can feel your heart beating in your stomach for a good twenty-four hours, it's probably not a good thing, right? Yeah.. I don't recommend it.

(1 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [31 May 2007|04:37pm] You don't even care at all, do you. I guess I did you a favor.

(Show me your face.) [30 May 2007|03:03am] How could you do this to me?

(1 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [13 May 2007|06:01pm] [ mood | Completely friggin nuts ] Oh my, I think I really do hate everyone in the entire world. How amazing.

(Show me your face.) [11 May 2007|04:30am] [ music | I'm so lonesome I could cry ~Johnny Cash ] Hear that lonesome whippoorwill? He sounds too blue to fly. The midnight train is whining low: I'm so lonesome I could cry. I've never seen a night so long, When time goes crawling by. The moon just went behind a cloud, To hide its face and cry. Did you ever see a robin weep, When leaves begin to die? That means he's lost the will to live. I'm so lonesome I could cry. The silence of a falling star, Lights up a purple sky. And as I wonder where you are, I'm so lonesome I could cry. I'm so lonesome I could cry.

(Show me your face.) I am the Captain of the doom-horsie squadron! [09 May 2007|04:52pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Scour the House ~Spirit of the West ] I feel icky. I want to go outside and get burnt but it's like 80 million degrees. Ish. Also, I hate this shirt. I wish my grandma would stop buying me clothes I hate. Instead of wasting money on crap I don't want, why can't she just give me the money. Then maybe I could use it on something useful. Argh. I have to buy more shampoo or else shave my head... I have decided that my Nightmare boy's name is Captain Relkor, for reasons unknown. Mostly because Entropy kept insisting that that was his name and I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted to name him something to do with fire or horses or demons or evil or bad dreams, but Entropy kept saying his name started with an R. And then a Rel. And I thought it should have a K in it. So he suggested Relkor. ...... This is pretty much exactly how it happened, and that scares me. I want to know who it was that decided that Nightmares are black horses with flaming manes. The earliest occurrence of such a thing I can find is from DnD, but everyone else copied it. I guess. And yes, I know that the 'mare' from the word nightmare has nothing to do with horses, but it just makes such a cool demony idea. I went searching on the internet for anthropomorphic Nightmares but I couldn't really find anything. This surprises me. I didn't look that hard, but still. And Relkor isn't really an anthro Nightmare, so much as a Nightmare who is also a Higher demon, and therefore has a mostly-human form. I wanted to draw him in various stages of transformation with hooves and flamingness, but I suck. I sort of want him to look freakier than a normal Nightmare, like with horns and projections of some sort. Like I said, various stages of transformation. Mm. I use red and gold too much. But it looks so cool. Apparently I suck at drawing flaming hair more than I thought I did. Maybe I should design him a hairstyle first and then set it on fire... I feel like there needs to be a male form of the word nightmare. Relkor tells me that he's a Nightstallion. Totally. Hooves! Tiger randomly commented on my devart page saying that she misses my sculpey things, and now I kinda want to make something. Omg, I should totally try to make a demon horsie out of clay. That would be badass. I can't really think of any other critters I've been interested in lately... the last thing was like.. mermaids XD And they don't count, because I can't make people. Except for Link-wolfie. I love Link-wolfie. I should play Zelda. I played a little bit, but I've been watching my brother play all the way up to the water dungeon, so there sort of doesn't seem like any point n_n

(Show me your face.) You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. [05 May 2007|02:30am] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | Eleanor Rigby ~The Beatles ]   ( random excerpt from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery )

(Show me your face.) Give me the clearest indication I'm not alone with you. [04 May 2007|02:27am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Clearest Indiction ~Great Big Sea ] Che'. ... ... ... ... ... ... I need a cookie...

(Show me your face.) Spikey. [03 May 2007|02:35am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Sakura ~Eureka Seven ] I swear to God, men get PMS worse than women do. It would explain a lot. Now I think I am going to go upstairs and design sexy Nightmare demons. I feel like designing some Higher demons in various stages of transformation. Like with claws and horns and spikeys and death. Mm.

(Show me your face.) Pulverized [01 May 2007|03:21am] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Old Brown's Daughter ~Great Big Sea ] Kazi went to bed early and I am bored. I don't know why I'm sitting here staring at lj this late, but then, going to bed early seems like a waste of perfectly good boredom. Er.. I could swear I had something more interesting to say. Guess not. I will eat my sausagey soup now. Yum. And now for some random song lyrics, because they make me happy. There is an ancient party at the other end of town. He keeps a little grocery store, and the ancients name is Brown. He has a lovely daughter, such a treat I never saw. Oh, I only hope someday to be the old man's son-in-law. Old Brown sells from off his shelf most anything you please. He's got juice harps for the little boys, lollipops and cheese. His daughter minds the store and it's a treat to see her serve. I'd like to run away with her, but I don't have the nerve. And it's old Brown's daughter is a proper sort of girl. Old Brown's daughter is as fair as any pearl. I wish I was a Lord Mayor, Marquis, or an Earl, And blow me if I wouldn't marry old Brown's girl. Blow me if I wouldn't marry old Brown's girl. Well, poor old Brown now has trouble with the gout, He grumbles in his little parlour when he can't get out. And when I make a purchase, lord, and she hands me the change. That girl, she makes me pulverized, I feel so very strange. And it's old Brown's daughter is a proper sort of girl. Old Brown's daughter is as fair as any pearl. I wish I was a Lord Mayor, Marquis, or an Earl, And blow me if I wouldn't marry old Brown's girl. Blow me if I wouldn't marry old Brown's girl. Miss Brown, she smiles so sweetly, when I say a tender word. Ah, but old Brown says that she must wed a Marquis or a Lord, And I don't suppose it's ever one of those things I will be, But - by jingo - ! next election I will run for Trinity! And it's old Brown's daughter is a proper sort of girl. Old Brown's daughter is as fair as any pearl. I wish I was a Lord Mayor, Marquis, or an Earl, And blow me if I wouldn't marry old Brown's girl. Blow me if I wouldn't marry old Brown's girl.

(Show me your face.) Full of Satan. [30 Apr 2007|05:12am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Yesterday ~The Beatles ] So. .... I've kinda ditched this thing. There doesn't seem much point to it anymore. I mean, Tiger is the only person who ever uses lj anymore, therefore, no one reads my posts. And half the time I don't want people reading my posts. n_n lol Also, firefox stopped working on this site or something, and my internet explorer is full of satan.  Soo..... um... let's see... today, I went for a walk or something. Me and Willie went for a long rambling walk and discussed the bleakness of both our futures. And then we sat outside for awhile. This is something I have missed dearly. You wouldn't think finding good company for outside sitting would be so difficult, but it is something only I seem to enjoy. Also, me and my dad used to do it, and now he's off being married and generally having a life, and I hate him just a little. I think I'm just jealous. My brain has been too distracted lately. I am incapable of accomplishing anything even vaguely useful. I should go to bed now, in the hopes that if I am awake earlier there will still be sunlight and I can go for a walk again. But I just don't feel like it...

(5 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) Blar. [15 Jan 2007|01:28pm] [ mood | annoyed ] And why the hell won't firefox let me post entries anymore...? >_<

(2 have spiraled into infinity. X Show me your face.) [12 Jan 2007|04:00am] [ mood | discontent ] Jeez, I feel so... pathetic.

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